It's 3:38am and I am sitting at the computer crying. Been up for an hour, with a brain stuck in a loop of worry amd frustration. Did I do enough? Did I ride long enough? Did I eat well enough?Why did I let myself gain so much weight? Why couldn't I have been stronger and stuck to a better eating plan?
I'm tired, but I can't sleep. Something has happened the last month. If I wake up in the middle of the night, I'm up. Like this morning for instance. Work up at 2:20 something. Really? What the fuck do I need to be up at 2:20 for? Nothing but to worry.
This is the first time I have cried lately....must be bottling everything up. I've been trying to stay calm, not waste energy...but in the process I have managed to suck everything fun out of this adventure. I've not allowed myself to get excited, because I never do until something is done. But I was thinking this morning---I don't want to wait to cross the finish line under 17 hours to only THEN start enjoying myself. What a long, hard day that is going to be. It's going to be hard enough doing it happy.
To be honest, I had to get out of bed because I couldn't stand to listen to my inner critic anymore. Thinking of being out on the course wiith this voice for 14 or more hours is tiring. I need to find my happy place and stay there.
Yes, I am scared.
I want to be excited, I do! Right now it's pack, organize, plan, finish work, clean the house. Once we get on the plane, hopefully all of this other shit fades and I will focus on the real deal.
Honestly, this always happens, and everything will be just fine, if my past is any indication of my ability to be successful, to push through hard times, to find a new me at the end of the road. I think this is all just pre-game jitters.
3 comments:
Jitters are ok, they keep you on your toes...but don't stress you are going do great!
I love you and I believe in you, B-G! Jitters make you on-your-game, so just do what you've been practicing for the past year. Swim, transition, bike, transition, run, celebrate! You are exactly where you need to be and you've done the best you could this past year to juggle everything--eating is never perfect so don't give it another thought (even though I know you will, freak ;) You're healthy, physically prepared, mentally prepared, and have a whole lotta people are know you can and will do it! Just relax and get-'er-done!
Brandy!! How did it go? Hope it went fantastic for you!!
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