Friday, October 17, 2008

Take a deep breath and step back....

Wow, what a rollercoaster ride I am on! One day a triathlete, the next, what? One day an athlete of any sorts, and the next---sick, depressed, out of sorts. I feel as though I have lost my identity. Inside my body I do not have the same partions, containers to put my experiences in, to define who I am by what I do. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am not what I do..wondering about that statement....maybe the point of life is to "be", as some esoteric concept. I do not understand how to do it. I do not know that I would LIKE it. Not true. When I run or bike, I am "being". Me and the pavement and my aching hip. :)

Anyway, it's interesting--this feeling I have.

Today I decided not to run the marathon. I decided to do the half. I am a month behind on training and I can't make it up. Don't want to. I don't want to put that much work in, for a race that is not going to be a good time anyway. I just don't want to work that hard right now. I want it to be fun. That's why I do this, right? To have fun? Then I need to start having fun again. I just don't know how to not get obsessed. Obsession is my version of focus. I can't be obsessed with more than a few things at a time. So what do i focus on? Losing weight. Half marathon. New job. Eric and family. Karate/Eric. Crossfit. Right now I feel that I need to take a deep breath and step back from worrying about all of this. Let it go. Have fun and let fun be the reward. Again, I feel the obsession creeping in my mind----go run a 10 mile race---just to see that you can! Of course I can--I ALREADY DID!!

Why do I want Ironman? Because I love tri? Because I want the medal? To see if I can? If that is the case, why do I need to see if I can? What does it do for me? Why I do need to do it? Will I finally feel successful after pounding out 140.6 miles?

Oh my god. I can hardly stand this whiney bullshit person I am becoming. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. I am not stimulated and in the zone, and therefore I am freaking the F out. Ok, this will be ok, right?

I am going to focus this weekend on just being in this space, not trying to fix myself, make myself in to "something".

I am tired. Had a killer crossfit workout. Pat helped me learn a new lift.

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Random thoughts

I'm still sick. Sore throat. Exhausted. Frustrated. Slept a lot today. Got a new pair of running shoes and a new running water bottle. Zoomed through Paleo Diet for Athletes. Very simple diet. Lean meats, seafood, fruits, veggies and nuts. The harder part is eating at the right times, making the food interesting. I hate cooking. Watched some IRONCHEF AMERICA today. Wow....now they can cook. I am amazed by their skill and creativity. Stomach art. Interesting. My left leg keeps getting tingly, like it's going numb. Have to go see Dr.Sande tomorrow to see if I can get the adjustment to take care of it. Damn it. I don't want to drive all the way down there, but I really like him and trust him and like his business ethics. Ate like crap today a bit--ramen noodles. Was craving salt and carbs. Delicious! What a gross food to love. Been sleeping a lot, dreaming a lot. Sometimes I dream so much I feel like I don't sleep all night. For three years I have been collecting recycling and shredding paper. Yesterday I went through three boxes of paperwork. Today I shredded a huge box of stuff and recycled another bag of stuff. There are still two boxes of stuff I made today (from the recycling bag) that I have to go through to determine what needs shredding. A better system is in the making! I don't like having to shred all that shit, but it's worth it if I have a better system in place for the future. Haven't consistently worked out for two weeks. This sucks. I am sitting here watching myself spiraling out of control with gaining weight and eating, but I have little energy to do much about it. Granted, I could be eating right. I have been meaning to have a conversation with myself.

Now is as good of a time as any, right? Getting needled tomorrow. Still not sure if I will make it in to work or not. Fatigue hits me like a ton of bricks, out of nowhere. I sleep when that happens, but how can I sleep at work? I guess I could sleep in the car if I get that tired. Not really wanting to stay home tomorrow, but part of me thinks I should. Will leave it up to tomorrow and see how I feel.

About weight---ah yes. Losing weight is hard. It's simple, but hard. Calories in and calories out. Proper nutrition for health. Water. Adequate exercise. Logging and journaling and accountability to self and my goals. I guess I want it to be easy. Looking back at last year when I was at Anti-gym, I remember that it was hard, but it was worth it. I was soooo proud of myself! I worked hard, had fun, ate better, drank a ton of water, but most important--I committed. I admire commitment .

So it takes planning, tracking, commitment, heart, hard work, focus, and dedication. It takes working out HARD and intensely. At least for me. Endomorphic body type---I think that's what I am.

Protein, carbs and fat. What is the right combo? Does losing weight signify success? I ask this because I was reading Paleo for Athletes and they have one theory, Zone has another, weight lifters have one, gyms have one.......which is right? It's not that people don't want to eat right, we just don't know which way is right!! I would like to go off wheat and dairy and see how I feel. As an athlete I would say that I am addicted to quick fix foods--gels, bars, drinks, etc. I haven't really been using real food properly.

So what does all of this look like? I don't know for sure yet.

1. Weigh weekly only
2. Drink 96 oz of water every day. 96 is three nalgenes so it's easy to remember.
3. Reduce salt intake. Learned it is bad for exercise induced asthma!! Go figure. I was eating more salt to take care of the headaches I get when working out from asthma, and salt makes the asthma worse!
4. Prepare and eat clean meals--lean meat/fish, veggies, fruits, nuts
5. Track intake. Log nutrition, water, vitamins, and workouts.
6. Do my PT exercises every day.
7. COMMIT to EXCELLENCE in eating.

I loved being a small size, with muscles, low body fat, and WAY MORE self-confidence. I liked myself for committing, for following through and for doing it. I was a role model. Now I feel like nothing. I want to show people that normal people can do this. Most of all I want to feel successful and bad ass again.

How do I do it?
The only way is to start. Draw a line in the sand. I like to start in the morning, but you can start any time. I will start tomorrow. I will eat clean. I will drink 96 oz of water. I don't think I will be working out. No--I won't be working out as I'm getting needled. I need to add weights to my routine.

Working out. I realize I am probably asking for sickness again. How to balance all of my exercise..that is the question.

Running 5 times a week. 2 days of intervals, 2 days of pace and one extremely long run
Karate--class one night a week for two hours
Crossfit--two times a week minimum
Weights--I would also like two days of weights in there---for my mental health.

Eric is having shoulderr surgery in a few weeks so I'm not sure how everything will change. The third week I will have to drive him to work, so we'll see how to get in everything around that schedule.

I could run on lunch, take an extended lunch. I can run/lift in the mornings before work. Tuesday/Thursday mornings I run/lift at the gym. (Assuming I can make myself get out of bed!)

I'm positive that part of my burnout is due to poor nutrition. I was putting a heavy burden on my body and not feeding it properly.

Anyway, I am almost out of things to say now. Whew. That was nice....

Saturday, October 4, 2008

My road to Ironman, even to Vegas

The past two weeks has sucked for training. Last week I was busy with life and this week I've been sick. Today I feel the worst. Sore throat up into my ears. Tired. Tired. Tired. I hit up Crossfit Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. (Although Tuesday was just forms since I had my entire backside of my body needled and most of the front from my waist down.) I ran one of those days---Wednesday maybe--on the treadmill at 24 hour fitness. Oh my god that was soooo f-ing boring. Eric helped me set up my MP3 player today. With it getting dark so early and not getting light early in the morning, I am going to have to run the treadmill if I don't get my run in after work. As with everything I do, it's a planning issue. Eating. Losing weight. Seeing friends, you name it--has to be properly planned or I space it.

So, what have I been doing? Driving myself f-ing crazy. Gaining weight. Getting dimples on my ass. Gotta get back on track. I keep saying this, when is it going to happen???????

What's good, though, looking on the positive side. Eric and I went to the pumpking patch today for the first time ever. That was fun. And I am resting. :) Jilly gave me a good report from Physical Therapy.

Hmmmm...I worry about the amount of training I am missing. But--guess worrying about it does no good.

Ok, laters.