Take a deep breath and step back....

Wow, what a rollercoaster ride I am on! One day a triathlete, the next, what? One day an athlete of any sorts, and the next---sick, depressed, out of sorts. I feel as though I have lost my identity. Inside my body I do not have the same partions, containers to put my experiences in, to define who I am by what I do. Maybe that is the problem. Maybe I am not what I do..wondering about that statement....maybe the point of life is to "be", as some esoteric concept. I do not understand how to do it. I do not know that I would LIKE it. Not true. When I run or bike, I am "being". Me and the pavement and my aching hip. :)

Anyway, it's interesting--this feeling I have.

Today I decided not to run the marathon. I decided to do the half. I am a month behind on training and I can't make it up. Don't want to. I don't want to put that much work in, for a race that is not going to be a good time anyway. I just don't want to work that hard right now. I want it to be fun. That's why I do this, right? To have fun? Then I need to start having fun again. I just don't know how to not get obsessed. Obsession is my version of focus. I can't be obsessed with more than a few things at a time. So what do i focus on? Losing weight. Half marathon. New job. Eric and family. Karate/Eric. Crossfit. Right now I feel that I need to take a deep breath and step back from worrying about all of this. Let it go. Have fun and let fun be the reward. Again, I feel the obsession creeping in my mind----go run a 10 mile race---just to see that you can! Of course I can--I ALREADY DID!!

Why do I want Ironman? Because I love tri? Because I want the medal? To see if I can? If that is the case, why do I need to see if I can? What does it do for me? Why I do need to do it? Will I finally feel successful after pounding out 140.6 miles?

Oh my god. I can hardly stand this whiney bullshit person I am becoming. Excuses. Excuses. Excuses. I am not stimulated and in the zone, and therefore I am freaking the F out. Ok, this will be ok, right?

I am going to focus this weekend on just being in this space, not trying to fix myself, make myself in to "something".

I am tired. Had a killer crossfit workout. Pat helped me learn a new lift.