Dinner menu

I just read Julia's latest post and it reminded me of many ways I have been feeling and questions I have been asking. This also relates to having dinner with Sharon, my triathlon mentor from CWW, last night. She is so awesome! :) And she' coming to Arizona!!

Ok....focus.

I have been stuggling with words to explain what IM means to me and what it has done to my outlook on life, and my llife itself. This all may make no sense--but maybe if I get it out on 'paper" I will find the answers I am looking for. This will be piece-by-piece--like a quilt. :)

Doing Boulder Long Course (70.3 miles) in August was good. It gave me a taste of real mental struggle, and the assurance that I can overcome the voices in my head telling me to stop! "You looked so good, so strong..." is what I heard after BLC. I laughed. The photos do look like I am strong--but inside I was in pieces. More than anything in the world, I just wanted to be done. Didn't want to fight myself anymore. That is the most exhausting part of triathlon for me---winning the mental/emotional battle.

Every year I do something cool. One year it was skydiving, the next it was graduating with a masters degree (and having a gladiator challenge party!). This year it's triathlon, namely IM AZ.
What will next year hold? What is bigger than IM? Of course, literally speaking, other ultra endurance races. UltraMan. Hooking up with Endure to Cure and pounding pavement for three days, to finish and pass out. So this makes me think alot......what am I looking for in my life? Challenge? Why? Bigger and better? At what point is enough, enough? What am I hoping to feel? To find? To BE? I need therapy more than I need more medals. :) I don't know what next year will hold yet, but I am accumulating a list of things to do and try--including building a workbench from wood, creating a real quilt, running a real marathon, and who knows what else.

Training for IM makes me think weird things. Why do people run marathons their whole lives? Don't you get bored after like 5 or 10?

WHAT IS THE POINT OF ANYTHING is what I am getting at. Being with myself most of the week, for 99% of my training, gives me a lot of time to think. And the one thing I think more than anything else is my statement above. Why do we do anything? What does doing something do for us? Why train for IM? WHY NOT??

What about Chrissie Wellington? World Champion IM. At what point is she going to get tired of doing triathlon? Or will she?

Ok, so maybe I am going to get tired of doing triathlon. Not totally, but it does take a shitload of time to train for IM. A first IM is cool! But then what? I think one of the issues is that I love trying new things! LOVE IT! This year I've put doing alot of new things on hold because I am doing new things on a bike, in a lake, and on the pavement. Ok, that's good, though.

Something about going out and riding a bike for 80 miles, followed by a good run, is becoming normal. I am not fearful of that. I look at my schedule and go "Oh, that's going to be a long day." But that's it. This weirds me out so much. I am getting in touch with parts of me that I didn't know were there! What am I going to do with those parts after IM AZ is over? For instance..I can workout for 7 hours straight. When I hear people bitching that they can't get to the gym for thirty minutes, three times a week, I am baffled.

I know I'm jumping around....hang tight.

My body starts to crave long distance. 62 miles today would have been "easy". Even with the hills. I was kind of pissed that I missed it. Going out and running 13 mile with my music is super relaxing. 14 miles is boring, though. Luckily I am running 15 with someone tomorrow.

Maybe my problem is exactly what Julia is dealing with---maybe I am going to be without an identity after IM and I'm scared shitless. Maybe I am going to compare everything I do from now on to IM. Maybe I am not going to have something as cool as IM for a long time. Maybe, just maybe,if I just chill the fuck out, life will present new and exciting opportunities, and this conversation will be void of all meaning. Shit, I am worrying about a future that I don't have mapped out yet.

Whew. See, I knew I'd figure something out.

I do want to say, even though I can't find good words right now, that IM has changed me. I am more outspoken. I am more confident and self-assured. I KNOW I can accomplish things that some people only dream of. I take more risks. But I am still dealing with some demons, too.

And I have learned that I get the most joy in life out of helping others and being with people I love. IM training is often lonely and it's a very selfish journey. I've withdrawn a little too much at times, but I bet my coach would say I need to do it even more--and finish more workouts! :)

I still don't know what to eat for dinner....