Can't sleep

I stayed home from work today with bad cold/sore throat, cough, tired body syndrome. I was supposed to cleanse, but didn't. I started out the morning with a salt water flush, then wondered why was I going to cleanse in the middle of needing Mucinex and Benedryl? Duh. After 4 hours of cleansing, I had some soup. I will get there again, just not today. Maybe not even tomorrow. After resting quite a bit, I feel better energy-wise, but the stuffy nose and cough are still there.

I've taken two days off training. Everyone always tells me not to work out when Im sick. So I didn't. BUT--when I don't work out I feel like crap mentally....then I want to eat...blah blah blah. So tomorrow I am going to go to running clinic and then go indoor cycle some, easy. Sunday I will go run drills again and go to the nutrition talk for CWW.

I don't feel like I am part of the team. Probably because I never go to practices. That happens because I always feel like I'm on the go, since my commute is is at least 1.5 hours a day total. Must get over that. Shit, I must get over a lot.

My husband is in bed and thinks I am there, too. Instead, I am down here trying to clear my head, trying to make peace with myself.

Today sucked. Not like being at work sucky, but having to rest a bunch due to being sick. There are so many things around the house I NEED to do to make my life orderly and organized, and I never do it!! I hate chores--and I see a lot of stuff as a chore. But I can do some things even though I hate them. Like what??

My Jeep needs to be cleaned out--there are wrappers everywhere and a weeks' worth of random shit all over the front seat. I don't know how to keep my car clean. Very draining either way.

The garage needs to be cleaned out, on two levels. One, all of my shit that came out of the Jeep last week, and second, all the stuff that needs to be donated and I would soooo like to have a pretty, organized garage.

The front room needs to have my boxes of shit removed--a suitcase, a clothes hamper, and a box--all full of papers that I keep, and books, and all kinds of shit.

My bedroom needs to be reorganized and I MUST go through all the piles on the floor. DRIVES ME NUTS but going through it drives me nuts too.

I need to clean off my bathroom sink and the floor of all of my stuff. I have two sets of most things--one for my gym bag and one for home. You would think I could at least be organized for that. Nope. Shit everywhere.

My closet, again, needs to be cleaned out, all my clothes washed, hung up, etc....I HATE a messy closet, but yet I make mine messy ALL THE FREAKING time.

My brain is chaotic. My space is chaotic. I feel constantly on the verge of being too overwhelmed. BUT SOME OF IT IS MADE UP!! I don't know how to tell the difference between what I make up and what is real.

WHY CANT I KEEP THINGS ORDERLY AND ORGANIZED? Even the meds don't help as well as I was hoping for this! :)

I also have a project management class that I am taking online that has to be completed soon. That's been on my mind. There is one assignment that I am dreading, so it hasn't been completed yet. Only 9 more days to complete that class and take the final. Nervous about that, too.

Additionally, I can't get work off my mind--how much there is to do, how angry and frustrated I am with the place, frustrated that I can't seem to get the job I want, angry that I have so little faith in the words of people.

I'm frustrated because I am not doing my PT religiously. MUST start that tomorrow. I need a schedule! Should be easy, right? No kids, lots of freedom. Honestly, my head is full all the time, and that makes me feel overwhelmed, and then I can't follow a schedule to save myself from drowning. Weak ass excuse! I know.

So what do I need to do to get all of this done?

PT
Drills with CWW
BBQ for CF
Weekly schedule for working out/CF
Friends
Cook/portion
Laundry
PM class
bookmarks for twilight
clean kitchen
clean front room out


I can seriously make the list go on and on and on. I hate this part of my OCD mind.

I want to sleep, really. :)

I want to feel HAPPY again. It's not that I am unhappy, but more like numb. I have to pull myself out of this and get on with the show.

I want to feel like a triathlete again. Instead I feel lazy and unmotivated and out of control. JUST FOLLOW THE PLAN. That's all I can do right now. I try not to think too much about it, and just do it. All I have to do is do what I am told and the exercise/training will work. But I have to deal with the mental/emotional side.

I didn't think Eric being gone most of the week, every week, bothered me that much. I'm starting to think that maybe it is doing something to my mind that I am not aware of. People have told me that I sound down. Well, there are days, but it's not because Eric is gone. Hmmm...I don't know.

Maybe I need a sprint. Actually, I'll just do the sprint rehearsals. That will be fun. Maybe get me back in the groove.

The Benedryl is kicking in. Hopefully my eyes will close soon....