Triathlon Humor From the Web

Favorite t-shirts from cafepress.com
Threesome anyone?
If your relationship still works, you could be training harder
Oh, you're a runner. That's all you do?
Not tonight honey, I've got a race tomorrow
I tri like a GIRL so tri to keep up
There is no "I" in team, but there is in TRIATHLON
Pain and Sweat remove weakness fromteh body and soul
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http://www.tri-ecoach.com/art39.htm

"do you have OED?
by Coach Steve
As we pursue excellence in triathlon events our behavior can become a bit obsessive, especially from the perspective of those who don't participate, but that's what passion for sport is all about. As obsessions go triathlon is not that bad, perhaps a little taxing to family and significant others, but no threat to society as a whole. Consider what we do from the perspective of those not 'addicted' and you should be able to see some humor in it.

Here are the symptoms:
Just one more qualifier and you're sure you'll make it to Kona.
Only one workout a day makes you feel guilty.
You called in sick not because you're hung over but because the weather was bad over the weekend and you've got to get that long workout in.
You lie to your friends and family about what you did over the weekend: "I relaxed!"
You can accurately assess fitness level by volume of laundry.
You know the exact weather prediction for any given day, when a storm is coming, what the wind speed is—and most important—from which direction it's blowing.
Your bike(s), wheels, wetsuit, and other miscellaneous tri-gear are worth more than your car.
A year of entry fees cost more than your car insurance.
You never sleep-in on weekends.
You used to eat candy bars and still do, but now they have names that include words like: Power, Balance, Zone, etc.
Acronyms and numbers like HRM, AT, LT, ATP, OD, 140.6, 70.3 are familiar, and IM does not mean Instant Messenger!
You know there's still a band aid at the bottom of lane 3.
The phrases "Swim Meet this Weekend," and "Annual Maintenance Shutdown" stress you out.
You forgot how to tie shoe laces.
You know all the kilometer to mile conversions by heart.
Spending another $1000 on your bike to shave a few seconds off your 40k time is well worth it.
You plan your race season a year in advance and log on at midnight with your credit card ready.
You used to make fun of people wearing Lycra, now you think it looks cool. :)
You look forward to getting older (aging up = less competition)!
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http://www.sfn.saskatoon.sk.ca/sports/ustc/humor.php

YOU KNOW YOU HAVE TRIATHLON FEVER WHEN...
You put your swim goggles on, just to turn on the lawn sprinkler.
You assign wave-starting times for your kids to run through the sprinkler.
You lay out your pajamas on a towel, transition-style, on the floor next to your bed.
You eat over the table in the aero-position.
Even during fine dining, you drink out of a bike bottle.
Your church shoes are Look and SPD compatible.
Your idea of candy is Powerbars and Powergels.
You record nightly splits for getting ready for bed such as bathing, brushing your teeth, and putting on pajamas.
You bring clip-on aerobars to the grocery for the cart.
You do a 10K in a Speedo.
You buy a car to match your bike.
Your most important accessory on that new car is the bike rack.
You wear a heart rate monitor to mow the lawn.
You consider standing in the Communion line at Church as drafting.
You require your employees to complete a triathlon for their yearly raise.
You show up at a formal social function in a Quintana Roo Longjohn.
All of your fine jewelry is made up of triangular shapes.
You believe that golfers should have to swim, bike, and/or run after their golf balls.
You believe that a weekly primetime TV drama should have a triathlon basis.
You thought that Viagra was for keeping up with the race leaders.
You believe that Disney World should have a Triathlon Kingdom.
You believe that all motels should be required to have at least a 25-meter lap pool.
You show up with your goggles and bicycle, at run races.
You tell everyone that your athletic background is triathlon.
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http://www.beginnertriathlete.com/discussion/forums/thread-view.asp?tid=56596&posts=1&start=1
Dating a triathlete...

"I am an outdoors type of person." Really means: I train in any type of weather. If it's raining, snowing, 90 degrees w/100 percent humidity, or winds gusting at 30 mph. I don't want to hear any complaints because I will still train in it and you're just a big wuss for complaining about it.

"I enjoy riding my bike." Really means: with or w/o aero bars, alone or in a peleton, I don't care. If you can't do a spur of the moment 30 miler then you're not my type. I will let you draft, but if you can't hang and I drop you - I will see you later. I am a capable mechanic, but don't expect me to change your flats or tune your bike. You need to learn that on your own.

"I enjoy jogging." Really means: Let's run hills until we puke. I have just as many shoes as you only mine are better because they are functional and all look the same.

"I enjoy dining out." Really means: I enjoy eating out, in or anywhere else I can find food. Don't be shy because with the amount of food I eat, you can have that main entree instead of a salad and you will still look as though you eat like a rabbit in comparison. Don't get your limbs too close though as I may take a bite out of you. Most importantly don't expect any taste off my plate unless you can bring omething to the party like more food. Eventually though if your not burning 4,000 calories a day your going to plump up and have a terrible complex due to watching me eat deserts and not gain any weight. Friends and family will eventually decide not to dine with us anymore due to my horrid table manners. Oh, and don't ask me any questions during breakfast, Mid Morning Lunch, Lunch, Afternoon lunch, dinner or Recovery Dinner as it does not lend to efficient food intake.

"I enjoy quiet walks on the beach." Really means: Walks on the beach warming up into an 8 mile run and then plunging myself in the ocean for a 2 miler. If you get in my way you're going to find out what mass start is and let me assure you that you don't want to find out.

"I find fulfillment in charitable work." Really means: If I am not racing, I am volunteering and I expect you to be there along side me as I stand out in 90 degree weather for 8 hours handing out sports drink to cyclists going 20 mph. Just stick the ol' arm out there and hope it doesn't get taken off.

"I enjoy sharing quiet moments together." Really means: It's taper time. Just back off because I am strategizing and in a pissy mood because I am worried about my "A" race and can't workout.

"I am an active person." Really means: Aside from my 40 hour job, and the 8 mandatory hours of sleep a night. 10 hours a week are devoted to me during the off-season and 20 during race season leaving us 4 hours. 2 of which are spent inhaling food and you not talking to me, so let's make the best of the 2 hours we will spend together on average each day. If you are a licensed message therapist or doctor this would make the most optimal use of our time together. Nutritionist is also acceptable, but I probably already know just as much as you.

"I enjoy road trips and leisurely drives." Really means: You have your choice of Wisconsin, Idaho, Florida, California, Arizona, and Canada, but don't expect to do much site seeing. If I get enough support from you we might be able to include Hawaii in there.

"I enjoy site seeing." Really means: Lets grab a mountain bike and get our HR's up to 90%. There's plenty of time to look around on the descent as trees and bushes whiz by you at 40 mph.

"I like stimulating conversation." Really means: while we are running, we can talk about food. Then we can talk about how we decided what to wear on this run based on the temperature at start time versus the temperature at the time we expect to finish, how horribly out of shape we are, how many miles we did last week, and how many we will do this week and next week. Then we can talk about food.

"I enjoy relaxing soaks in the tub." Really Means: I'm going to stop on the way home and buy two bags of ice, throw them in the tub with some water, and sit in this torture chamber for 30 minutes.

"I'm interested in photography" Really Means: My camera is permanently perched a tripod in front of my trainer. I obsess over taking photos of my bike position and analyzing them to get the perfect setup.

"I'm into in technology" Really Means: My HRM and bike computer are my best friends. Until you can give me some hard data that can improve my training, don't bother trying to buddy up to me. You could one day break into the top three if I find you as entertaining on long runs and rides as my mp3 player.
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The Top 10 Ways to tell an energy bar from a dog turd...
Energy bars cost about $2. Dog turds are free.
Energy bars have shiny wrappers. Dog turds don't.
A fly will eat a dog turd. I've never seen a fly eat an energy bar.
Dog turds get slippery when wet.
Energy bars come in many delicious flavours. Dog turds only come in 1.
Energy bars hold their shape in a jersey pocket much better than dog turds.
Dog turds won't damage a lawn mower blade. The jury is still out on energy bars.
You won't find an energy bar sitting on the ground in the park.
Dog turds are made of naturally occurring substances.
Dog turds are biodegradable
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http://www.io.com/~beckerdo/triathlons/humor.html
On the joy of eating power bars...
From: Louis Savastani
Newsgroups: rec.sport.triathlon
Subject: Re: How can you make GU?
Date: Wed, 11 Dec 1996 08:59:44 -0500

John Argentati wrote:
>
> Does anyone out there know how to make GU?

Ingredients:

1 Powerbar
1/2 cup water

Blend Powerbar and water at high speed in blender
for 3 minutes. Throw away contents. Eat blender :-)
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http://www.usctri.com/forum/topic/show?id=2026976%3ATopic%3A223
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